It has now been two years since my diagnosis. Well, not really. The final page of the path report disappeared and it took a long time to get the original and then they wouldn't give me the results over the phone. So, I was blissfully in denial for a while.
So, someone asked me if I felt God's special presence during the cancer treatment. I made something up because I didn't. In fact, all the wonderful things that are supposed to happen when you have cancer--you know, more spiritual, more appreciative of live, and so on didn't happen.
In retrospect, I was in a pretty dark place. Mostly angry. About mortality. I realize the anger has seeped away.
Yesterday I ran and the in the afternoon, swam a mile. I am trying to get in shape for a trip to Bhutan which will entail hiking for two to four hours or more in the Himalayas. High up with thin air. I remember Jan 08 when I was in Uganda hiking up and down volcanos looking for mountain gorillas. I had to be pushed and pulled. I was so embarrassed. I had no idea that I was so out of shape. It was simply awful. Of course, I had cancer at the time and didn't know it.
I feel better than I have felt in a long time. I love life and I am trying to slow down to enjoy this world while I am here. But, I haven't had the blinding light experiences people seem to expect from pastors. I'm just me.
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4 comments:
Blinding light, huh?
I have a lot of people telling me about the experiences of God you are supposed to have in times like these. Because, as far as I can tell, they have not had times like these.
As with Robin, I've always treasured your honesty Joan. I'm so glad to hear how well you're feeling. Blessings.
(Word verification: watin. Mmmmhmmm!)
Thanks so much for this post. Illness of any kind is complex - people either blame the ill in subtle and strange ways for being ill or expect us to have some supper wisdom to impart. We don't.
I am REALLY impressed by your commitment to getting in shape - I should try to learn from that.
Good luck - my prayers are with you ... I am happy you feel so well, that is good
I treasure your honesty.
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