Saturday, April 10, 2010

Spirits and Cancer and Me

It has now been two years since my diagnosis. Well, not really. The final page of the path report disappeared and it took a long time to get the original and then they wouldn't give me the results over the phone. So, I was blissfully in denial for a while.

So, someone asked me if I felt God's special presence during the cancer treatment. I made something up because I didn't. In fact, all the wonderful things that are supposed to happen when you have cancer--you know, more spiritual, more appreciative of live, and so on didn't happen.

In retrospect, I was in a pretty dark place. Mostly angry. About mortality. I realize the anger has seeped away.

Yesterday I ran and the in the afternoon, swam a mile. I am trying to get in shape for a trip to Bhutan which will entail hiking for two to four hours or more in the Himalayas. High up with thin air. I remember Jan 08 when I was in Uganda hiking up and down volcanos looking for mountain gorillas. I had to be pushed and pulled. I was so embarrassed. I had no idea that I was so out of shape. It was simply awful. Of course, I had cancer at the time and didn't know it.

I feel better than I have felt in a long time. I love life and I am trying to slow down to enjoy this world while I am here. But, I haven't had the blinding light experiences people seem to expect from pastors. I'm just me.


Robin said...

Blinding light, huh?

I have a lot of people telling me about the experiences of God you are supposed to have in times like these. Because, as far as I can tell, they have not had times like these.

Magdalene6127 said...

As with Robin, I've always treasured your honesty Joan. I'm so glad to hear how well you're feeling. Blessings.

(Word verification: watin. Mmmmhmmm!)

Jane said...

Thanks so much for this post. Illness of any kind is complex - people either blame the ill in subtle and strange ways for being ill or expect us to have some supper wisdom to impart. We don't.
I am REALLY impressed by your commitment to getting in shape - I should try to learn from that.
Good luck - my prayers are with you ... I am happy you feel so well, that is good

Jennifer said...

I treasure your honesty.