Thursday, January 29, 2009

Guilt

I'm a Calvinist so I'm at home with guilt. I don't like it, but it's a natural feeling. To make a short story long, Tuesday I had some friends over to talk about the congregation and how to save it (whether to save it). So, they suggested finally, that I spend some time praying about what I want and need. And so that's what I did a lot of yesterday. At 62 I'm nearing retirement. I need health insurance and the denominational plan will let me stay in unemployed status for 18 months (during which I will pay about $600 a month). I could stay in "actively searching for a call" status for 2 years (you can switch to unemployed from that, but you can't switch from unemployed to asfac). So, I'm OK in terms of insurability, other than the cost. And then I was trying to figure out how much money I need to live on. So, I spent some time thinking about money. Then the guy who comes around looking for work or a hand out came back and knocked on my back door. I'm not too happy that he came to the back door. But, I answered the door and he wanted some money. I told him I couldn't give him any more money. He said he was hungry and so I made him two meat loaf sandwiches. Then he wanted some water. Then he wanted more water and a Bible.

So, I live a comfortable life and he is sleeping on the streets in the cold. (No one seems to like the shelters). He tells me he is looking for a job and can't find one. I'm not sure whether he had been drinking last night, but that really doesn't matter. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him. I think he is lonely, but I don't want to befriend him. And so, I feel guilty. And it only will get worse. Lots of people in the neighborhood hired him last fall, even into early Jan to do yard work. I'll hire him again when I have work to do. I give him money when I don't have work for him to do, but I can't solve his problem. And so I feel guilty.